Before I continue any further with Shonda Rhime’s commencement speech on YouTube, I am taking time out to bare my heart- my thoughts, opinions, and feelings on everything that has been to me.

“Do the storms ever stop? No.

But neither do the rainbows.”

The above statement was said in a series I binged watched some months back- July. And to me, that was my reality at the moment. It has been silence and nothingness. It has been so much joy, and at the same time, apathy, and back to silence.

GROUNDED IN MY HUMANITY

‘Give it time’- This is what people say when they do not know what to do but they really want to genuinely help out. I remember Issa having a conversation with Molly when her mum kicked the bucket in the HBO series- Insecure. She said something about giving it time- the pain, the hurts, and everything she was feeling and going through at that moment. And then, I look at my life and see how much time and grace I have given myself, and how much more of it I will give myself. Gave myself time for my exams earlier in the year, when I was figuring shi* out both by doing and not doing shi*, when making multiple applications, and it felt like nothing was happening, when confused on what to wear, when making certain decisions about my growth. I genuinely had to give it time. It is what my friends say, what my mum and dad say too.

Recently, I had a conversation with Frank, my friend and we got talking and he mentioned the blog and I could not believe that the last time I put up a post was February!!

He asked, ‘what happened?’ I said “everything and nothing. So I did not necessarily know what to write about” he said I should have written about that too. And I agree.

I want to talk about pan-Africanism and what it is to me in this time of self-identification and awareness. How we are writing our history right now and a few years from now, we would all tell these stories, sounding like our parents. I want to write about now and how of late, it has been both the storms and rainbows. I want to write about Nigeria without having to have a debate on who is the better candidate for President and how proud I am of myself for getting my voters card and how optimistic I am that it would matter. I am sincerely trying to process events that have been happening, local and global issues when we are not even sure who broke the mop stick in the house and kept it aside or how excited I am about the weekends.

I feel, at certain points, this is a piece about everything.

At many points, I did not see the need to share, to talk about everything that (was) happening or happened. I just, you know,…wanted to be.

I went through previous posts where I said I would be more committed to communicating on here. But look where we are at now. 

 GOD IS THE GREATEST, I CAN’T LIE.

I remember writing my first draft- the part where I wrote about myself was going to be the last, but on second thoughts, I felt no, take it back up. Cause over time, I have seen how I downplay what I do, the effort I put into my work, to myself and treat it as nothing and as  Fireboy DML tweeted….’’Don’t downplay your success; it’s almost a disrespect to the higher force that blessed you. Enjoy what you’ve worked hard for and bask in it while you can. You were gifted for a reason. Appreciate it’.” And this! I believe.

DUNDUNDUN DUNDUN 

I can finally laugh at the jokes relating to Game of Thrones. I thought I was the last person in the world to watch it. And then, I was going through my mail when I stumbled on unbranded letters by Blessing Abeng where she mentioned a recording of Shonda Rhimes, and boom! I was watching Shonda Rhimes talk about Game of Thrones, and of course, I’d watch Game of Thrones. For the record, I am in season 7 and hoping I finish it soon.

I also want to talk about my friends and how much of an encouragement and inspiration they have been to me. And I know when I speak with my friends, I respond by saying I do not have many friends. The truth is few people get me, and I am in no way trying to downplay their efforts, love, and understanding. I do not know if I get them fully too.

So here is to celebrating my friends as often and as loudly as I should. Hopefully, I’d write odes to people that are alive and living. Sing their tributes while they can hear it. Hear their heartbeat beat to the sound of joyful noises as their stomach churns with pride and love and admiration because even then, my words, thoughts, and actions would make them smile, sway and be happy that we shared a sacred bond called friendship. And it would be cherished with the ones that know me. The ones that I know. 

Writing feels so good to come back to. It really feels good and I have missed sharing dreadfully. Does this mean I will be very present here?

I would write down my thoughts as much as I can, to take me back to where I was once before so I can appreciate my present, I would press publish and still think of what to eat for breakfast tomorrow while I gist and chat with my friends and tell my brother and Yang that they do not understand me for the hundredth time. I would still enter the room and out of nowhere shout God, abeg! while I laugh and say three times, leave my mouth! but of course, I would say it again.

You should know that the world is not leaving you behind.

Xoxo