How many people do you become?
How do I say I am creating a new me? More like designing the life I love.
Of late, there has been a whole lot on my mind. From what do I know about myself to what do I want to change about myself. Even down to branding and just being.
I would ask myself these questions and more as I search to get the answers. Most times, I end up getting worked up and worried so I just leave it.
Recently, I went to my PPA (Primary Place of Assignment) for my service year (in this post) and the best word to describe exactly how I felt would be dissatisfied. To be honest, I considered a lot of things. I know it is just 11 months left and I recall when my father said it’s just 11 months and I went just 11 months? *screaming* 11 months is just?! Somebody call 9-1-1 (plays fire burning by Sean Kingston).
Yeah yeah, I’m a Corp member😏
Woulda Coulda Almost What?!
A friend of mine advised me about accepting the offer (like it’s in my place to do so or not, when NYSC has the full bragging rights to either reject or accept me). Beloved Chum, I hoped for rejection. Pelumi said not to stress things but go with the flow. When we had the conversation, it all made sense. You know, no stress. It’s just 11 months. Deep down, I really wanted to go with his advice and flow with everything but a part of me grew coconut head and would not.
I am Tinker Bell.
I do not want anything messing with my peace of mind that is why you would not find me messing around with trouble (okay, maybe not everytime). The point is peace is very important. The kind that comes with the assurance that everything will work out. Jesus’ kind. The kind that results from your choices and decisions.
I had to delete my whatsApp for a couple of days because I felt I needed to take a break from the green app. My intention was to stay off for more than two weeks but there were things that needed to be attended to on there. That way, I thought, I would be able to avoid answering certain questions like what’s next. Because, Chum, if I am honest with you, at this stage of my life, especially with this whole NYSC shebang, I do not have it perfectly mapped out. Thankfully, there are dots now.
I am at peace.
Everything Good Will Come.
I used to know before. I used to know that I’d do my service in Lagos state. I used to always have a plan, I knew the age and time I was working with but certain things simply require time. Things have just been going haywire. But the good thing about it is that after crying, feeling sad and unhappy with the I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-anybody vibe, I would find myself calm and see reasons to be cheerful.
I am, you know… Um…
So Many Reasons To Be Happy
I do not want to dwell on things that would make me sad (it is unhealthy and the last time I checked, therapy sessions are still pretty on the high). I know I have not gotten there yet but every day when I wake up, I want to see reasons to be happy, I want to make conscious effort to feel that way and that I keep moving. And when I feel that way, I want to feel that way. I allow myself be- to feel it. When I am not so happy, I am reminded to give myself grace, to give myself time. I have never lived this life before. I am not incarnated into some being. So everything right now is new. You know, it’s my first time. I know it is not magic but of late, I feel reaching for it ain’t far anymore.
I am fireworks and orange.
At every point, I am being reminded of this prayer- “Lord, let your will be done” but I keep fighting it. I need to keep walking with Jesus and let his peace, his voice guide me through. Cause Chum, how am I supposed to live through now without Jesus?
I am Ali
Such A Beaut
Also, being confident in myself is another beautiful phase which I am so delighted about. Not proud, not cocky, not indifferent. Confident. I am confident in my abilities to do stuff, to work, to apply for jobs and to be prepared. To know I would get rejected sometimes but that’s okay. Confident enough to work on myself; to know I have got so much work to do and to also love on myself.
I Am Beautiful
What has been happening?
Currently reading; Redeeming Love (wondering how I missed on reading that knowing Francine Rivers lovers would probably come for my head but chill, I’m doing my homework.) S/O to Annie.
Also reading A Gentle Reminder by Bianca Sparacino. I’m slowing down on the book like the way you sip hot tea. It is not meant to be rushed. I think it is really therapeutic. This book reminds me of the fact that as much as you would want to give love, you are also deserving of love.
I’m talking to my shame this year, I’m talking to my fears. Even when it seems like we have lesser days for the year to end, I’m talking to my anxiety to be still because it’s been a wonderful year after all.
Fey keeps talking about celebrating the little wins and why not. I’m counting my blessings. I’m counting you too. For listening, for talking, sharing, and always been here.
Again, how many times do you become? How many people do you become?
I’m in the process, I’m a beautiful work in progress.
Would love to know the deets on what you have been up to of late and how you have been navigating your way. Kindly leave a comment🤗